Divine Design Day 1

[Tammy Lynn Reilly Davis]

Last night I watched ‘Julie and Julia’ and became incredibly inspired to write daily. Up until this point, it’s been all about when I can ’find the time’. Ha! Isn’t that interesting. Me, the proponent of, ‘you don’t find the time, you make the time’, telling my friends there isn’t enough time for me to write. I’m just too darn busy. Busy doing what? Let’s face it, if you love something enough, you’ll go out and get it. Right?

I love to write. I love to express my thoughts. I guess the ‘thing’ I’m attached to is being read. I mean, to be a ‘writer’, somebody needs to be reading it, don’t they? Or, does it even matter if it’s being read? If you think about it, readers wouldn’t exist without the writing, so I’d have to say that writing is what actually matters. Being creative and allowing the inspirations to flow is what’s important. If I spend my life worrying about making a difference in somebody else’s life with my writing, then whose life am I living? It’s my life dammit!

With that said, I’ve thought a lot lately on this life that I’ve created. Not understanding why I’m facing the circumstances I’m facing. Let’s be real. One year ago, I bolt out of Santa Fe claiming I never want to go back. Not really knowing why I felt so strongly about heading to Austin. I just did. Now, there’s a call to return?! However, this time, it’s not about moving, it’s about living in both places.

My boys are still in New Mexico, all adults, except for the youngest one who is 15. He chose to stay near his friends and father. I understood this. However, there’s a disappointing story unfolding for him and he ‘needs’ my presence. Sounds good and normal and yet, I’m confused. You see, I live with my high school sweetheart and not wanting to leave him. Here’s where it gets somewhat complicated; he’s got 2 kids younger than my youngest with an ex that lives less than a mile away. Can you say, ‘custody’ issue? Can you see where this is going? WHY is this happening to me?? What a victim! (chuckle)

Which brings me to the title of this post. Divine Design. I caused ‘this’. Me, my higher self and I. For what? So many questions; so many ideas. I vacillate between feeling really excited about the entire situation to being so freaking scared that I’ll never have the life that I want! Wow, is that a painful place! ‘Let me get this straight. Somebody, from somewhere in my past believes I don’t deserve to have a cool life?’ That’s ridiculous! Of course I do; yet, what’s up with that little voice occasionally speaking up to say, ‘no, you really don’t’. Enough already!!!

So, what’s a girl to do? Today, I’m going to embrace my life. There are no ’shoulds’. I won’t get wrapped up in society’s belief on how to do something. My life has to look like me. It has to feel good. If doing something doesn’t feel good, then why would I want to do it? Rhetorical question.

From this perspective, I can honestly ’see’ what I’ve done. It’s a call to action. My chance to reach beyond my limits; I am extraordinary. AND, how do I do that? There I go again, worrying about the right way. If I just let go, today, and not think about all the possibilities, I know, I’ll receive an inspiration or 2. From this tranquil place, I can act on those inspirations. I don’t want to think about this, I want to ‘feel’ my way. Let’s see how it goes & I’ll be back tomorrow.